Giants live in remote areas. When possible, beasts of fantasy have been based on mythology, not whim. For so lechhery reasons, the humans of Eastern Emellon have been unsuccessful in creating a secure kingdom. If a die roll is presented here, then the die must be rolled each time a priest ad- vances an occupational level as a priest for Abaddon meaning: The Age of Humans Humans first appeared around 3, years ago.

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Are you sure? Are you absolutely sure? Okay, you asked for it. What is it with authors of explicitly smutty rpg materials like this and "The Book of Erotic Fantasy" that they have to be pretentious dicks about it?

Answer: Because in the original version he was You may now groan. The intro says you only need to know a little algebra, "and even that is relatively rare. Both of these are filthy fucking lies. Ability score checks are 3d10, so no you need more than two dice. Jesus Christ. The character sheet is eleven pages long. There are 20 sub-abilities including "Enunciation" and "Spatial Intelligence"; also note that by this point in chargen you have already rolled your 2d10 eighty times , which determine 5 ability scores.

On the second page of the character sheet are the following essential measurements: manhood length, manhood circumference, anal circumference potential, vaginal circumference potential, vaginal depth potential, areola diameter, nipple length, cup size, tongue size, hymen resistance, areola hue, foot size, fist circumference, head circumference, handedness.

These measurements are essential, because during combat your roll may cause you to accidentally start raping your opponent, and how many hitpoints they lose depends on the mismatch between the circumference of your appendage and their orifice. In case you missed some of that: it is possible to accidentally rape an opponent to death during normal combat. THEN you have to roll for other things like your height and weight and then calculate your BMI based on those , most and least attractive features, hair color, skin color, visual acuity, age which also acts as a modifier for all those abilities and sub-abilities, forcing you to go back and change all those stats again , a check to see if your Intelligence score is low enough to qualify for " Retard Strength " bonuses, birthday, social class, birthplace, number of siblings, and marital status.

In other words, roll randomly for just about everything that any other game system would allow the player to choose for themselves, in the unlikely event that they desperately needed to know the precise size of your foot. Yes, pissing is a skill. Yes, you can fail your rolls to piss , which as you could see in the last section are far more complex than they could possibly need to be.

Magical items range from the mostly useless, to the suicidally dangerous, to the completely insane. Philter of race name Lust: Drink this and every being of the race listed within feet will try to fuck you.

Chastity Belt of Cursed Impregnation: The wearer is knocked up. The difference between this and the uncursed version is that the cursed version always makes the unborn child a girl. Jar of Jacking Off: "Whenever a male opens this jar, they must pass a Drive sub-ability check at TH 80 or be compelled to force their fuckstick into the jar. Once inside, the jar will inexplicably grip it firmly and jerk it to completion, even against the will of the opener. Upon completion, the cummer[sic] must roll percentile dice.

If the results are , then the jar becomes pregnant. If the jar is pregnant, it will not allow itself to be opened, but will care for the fetus within, which will be heard screaming by others within 1d feet day and night.

After 9 months of fetal torture, the child will be born and the jar will break. If the jar is broken during its pregnancy, then the dying and twitching fetus will explode after 1d6 rounds of twitching. The explosion will cause 1d4 Life Points of sonic damage to all within 1d4 miles.

Baby parts are inexplicably everywhere. When born, the baby will be Unethical Immoral translation: Chaotic Evil , will serve the father loyally, will obsessively collect jars, and seem to be male but have no penis, but oversized testicles, which can never ejaculate. Therefore, this child will be forever frustrated. Interestingly, this seems to have partially inspired Death Stranding.

The only way to kill a tree that resulted from this seed is for the druid to start having anal sex with random animals until he sows a "seed of love". This may cause him to develop a bestiality fetish.

Mirror of Many: A ripoff of the mirror from Evil Dead. Cursed Dildo of Impregnation: The user is impregnated with another dildo, which is likely to kill her. Armor of Jewy Jewbacca: "Whosoever dons this armor will acquire a nose twice the size and a manhood half the size. Further, the wearer will become extremely greedy and fight to the death for one silver piece.

Finally, the wearer acquires 2 inches of hair all over their body, resulting in halving their Facial Charisma and Bodily Attractiveness. While hairy, the wearer must bathe every 1d6 hours or smell foul. According to Byron, this was supposed to be "controversial humor".

So funny everyone forgot to laugh. The magic system is split into ceremonial magic which is situational at best and often utterly useless for doing anything you might actually need and chaos magic which requires you to perform a ritual that requires a roll on a large-ass syllable chart in case it requires a chant to perform, some random ingredients you might not even be able to acquire, and can take days to perform the required ritual.

An example of a few spells follows; italicized spell names are ceremonial magic, and everything else is chaos magic: Against Every Wild Animal, Aquatic Creature, and Robbers: Keeps wild animals, aquatic creatures, and robbers away from you.

Everything else that can kill you can still do so. Call God: Summons a god. The rulebook specifically states that whatever god in question will not be happy about being summoned and will probably kill the caster.

Numerous other "love spells" with similar effects are also present. Fatal: Kills everything on whatever horrid world the game takes place on, including the user. If only every game started with this spell being cast.

Force Fart: Forces the target to fart, obviously. The spell description explicitly states that it is meant to aid necrophilia. Draw your own conclusions. Did we mention that the effects of this spell are permanent? Perpetual Orgasm The rulebook mentions that not only does this kill the target, but also that they continue to have an orgasm even after they die. Test of Pregnancy: Self-explanatory, and disturbingly likely to be necessary.

Wish: Like the DnD version, but the GM is encouraged to be as literal as possible, even picking a definition of the word at random if word has multiple definitions. A character wishes for a lot of gold?

He gets several thousand pounds of gold bars. Dropped on top of him. And then there are the miscast tables, which have a variety of notably bizarre effects, including but certainly not limited to: The next shit you take coming to life and trying to kill you. Gay ogres popping out of nowhere and trying to have buttsex with everyone nearby. Congrats, you are now Richard Gere.

The nearest woman is convinced that her name is "Cuntrina", and insists that everyone nearby refers to her as such.

A disembodied penis with wings appears and tries to rape everything nearby. Accidentally consuming the enemy while being raped. Everybody hopes to get this one. And many, many more. Classes are no less peculiar- they range from the standard fare of Warriors, Mages, and the like to things which no sane person would play such as Delousers, Inkmakers, and of course Whores. Every class earns AP the equivalent of experience points in different ways, and in some cases it is earned so slowly that a character or even their player can die of old age before they even reach level 2.


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